Relieved!!!

I just received word that my biopsy results came back normal...that means I'm in the clear, everything is fine! I am so relieved. I won't say that I was in a panic....I guess having gone through that already once made me numb the second time around but it feels good to know that all is well. 

It seems as the year ends things are brightening up and I'm excited for the new things to come next year. I want to do something big....and I will!

Yay! I'm so excited!

The Weekend

I had an amazing weekend with friends! 

Friday night I wanted to go out and see "Twilight" but I decided to stay home with Ayden, watch movies and go to bed early. 

Saturday during the day, Ayden, my mom and I set-up our Christmas tree...well really, it was more like me and my mom...Ayden watched and put the final touch on the tree....the STAR!

Saturday night was tons of fun! Nick, Angie and Me met up at our friend Vicki's house. We drank champagne, danced and were just plain silly. We headed out to this place called Gemma...five minutes there and we look at each other and we're ready to leave. Next we headed to Rok Bar and that place is AWESOME! We had so much fun and it was great to be out with friends. I have such a good time with them...we need to do it more often. Close to the time that we were leaving I see a familiar face, an old love interest (can't think of a word to describe what he was), I said "hi" and on that same note said "bye". I guess I should say, it wasn't great seeing him, not because I have feelings for him but more because I can really care less. 

On Sunday, I went to go see Twilight with my friend, Nick. Let me talk about Nick for a second, he's fabulous! Our friendship has really blossomed and I'm happy to have him as a friend. So as we meet up to go into the movie theatre we realize we're dressed very similar which just makes us laugh...what are the chances. Now, I would like to excuse myself because I'm running the risk of sounding like a little girl but seeing that movie was the best thing I could've done at a time where I was starting to hate "love." It made me realize that love can be a good thing, that there's someone our there that we do anything for you and love you unconditionally. There is an "Edward" out there for me, for everyone. but you get what I'm saying, right?

Needless to say, Friday I'm watching it again.

Elevators

Has anyone ever thought about how different things would be if elevators didn't exist?

Cause today, I did. It's amazing how dependent we are of this box shaped, electrical or at times hydraulic piece of machinery...it's like we take it for granted. Imagine parking on the 11th floor of a building and having to go up 11 flights of stairs, the time spent just to reach your car. 

I'm glad we have elevators :)

Sorry for the random post.

My Dearest Friends

I want to talk about two of my closest friends for a little bit....

Melissa - My oldest friend. When I look back at my high school year's, there she is. We met during our 10th grade German class. We used to sit close together and by the time we knew it we had become good friends. We have so many good memories and we continue to make them even though she lives 500 miles away. Drunken nights at the golf course, boys, kareoke, parties, Steve's house, tears, laughter, weddings, children. I don't know what I would have ever done without her. She's one of the few people that truly know me. I can turn to her for the simplest thing or for a life changing decision, I know she'll be there and give me her most honest opinion. She has my back as I do hers and we know that. Regardless of the circumstances, we know we can count on each other, to pick each other up. She knows my flaws but yet she accepts them and still manages to stand by me. 

Mel, just know that I love you. Can't wait to be 70 and sit next to each other and reflect on our lives.

Jossie - While we met during work...our friendship extends beyond. There are times, where she's the first person I talk to about my problems....she listens and gives me the advice only a true friend would. I admire her for her strength...tough things can come her way but she will come out of it a winner. 

My dad would always tell me "there's no such thing as friends." Dad, I have to tell you something, "you are wrong!" Your friends are those who stand by you through the good and bad, they cry with you, they drop anything in your times of trouble, who stick by us, those who embrace our flaws and acknowledge they are just a part of who we are, they hold your hair back when you're puking (or maybe i've gone too far), those who make us smile...

Thank you guys for being my friends...I'm grateful and blessed.

A Woman's Nightmare

About a year ago, I went through the biggest scare of my life...of any woman's life. I had gone to get my annual gynecological check-up and my pap smear results came back "altered." They diagnosed me with LGSIL, low grade squamous intraepithilial lesions (aka mild dysplasia) which is caused by HPV (human papillomavirus). As a result of that, I had to do a colposcopy, a routine procedure perfomed when your pap smear is abnormal. During that procedure, they apply vinegar and iodine onto your cervix and look at it under a special scope. The abnormal cells change color and they collect a biopsy and send that off to the lab for further testing.

I requested the results from the biopsy prior to seeing my doctor which was a huge mistake! The results read CIN III which by the way when you google that, you get severe dysplasia or carcinoma in situ (cancer in place). I was in shock, I didn't know what to do. For a day, I thought I had cancer, I was devastated. Thankfully, when I saw my doctor she told me it wasn't. Though I had severe dysplasia and that's a serious diagnosis, it wasn't cancer. She told me that I was lucky to have caught this soon because my diagnosis could have been very different if i would've waited even 3 months. 

My next step was to remove those pre-cancerous cells through a procedure named LEEP. It's an electrical loop which removes thin layers of your cervix. They removed 4mm which isn't much (your cervix measures 4 to 5 cm). They sent me home and told me to come back every 3 month for follow-up pap smears. 

Three months later, I went and got my first pap smear after the procedure. Everything was fine...I could breathe again. 

A month ago, I went for my second pap smear and my results came back altered yet again. "Here we go again!" Today, I had another colposcopy done and while I'm hopeful its nothing since my doctor didn't see anything that should concern me...I still worry. They took two biopsy samples and I should have those results again within the next week or so. 

My purpose for writing this blog, is to create awareness. I'm 25 years old and I never thought I would be going through this at this age. One in every five women have HPV and HPV is the number one cause of cervical cancer. Your bodies own immune system eliminates the virus but it takes about 18 months. Those women who carry the virus for longer than that are those who are more at risk of getting cervical cancer. They have a vaccine which protects against the HPV strings 6, 11, 16 and 18. Though there are hundreds of HPV strings, I recommend that all women vaccinate themselves. 

Please remember to get your annual check-ups. Preventative care is key to protecting yourselves.

Pictures with my son

I asked a friend of mine at work to take some pictures of me and my son. I don't have many pictures with him since most of the time its me behind the camera. I love them! They are absolutely beautiful!

Thank you Nick, you're awesome!

Here are some of them....

The married and not so married life...

On August 8, 2003, I married my first true boyfriend of a year. We were so excited and so in love. We purchased our first home a month before we married and adopted our beloved dog, Maria (retired greyhound). We looked forward to getting married, moving into our new home and getting our dog. So excited, we ended our honeymoon two days early to come home.

Three months after we married, I got pregnant. I really wanted to have a baby….so the news was beautiful but horrifying. I mean, you think “I want a baby” but then all of a sudden its “I’m having a baby”….that’s a big thing! I think if I look back, our marriage needed time to mature and grow before adding a child into the mix. Children are blessings but it can make a new marriage stressful. Him and I never lived together….everything just happened from one moment to the next.

Our marriage was great…we had our ups and downs, like everyone…we were just a young couple, heading out on our own and wanting to do the best for our child and family. My husband was a genuinely compassionate human being. One of the qualities I love most about him still. His heart is huge and forgiveness exists for anyone who wants it. It was his personality that kept the peace. 

Two months before Ayden was born, we sold our townhouse and purchased a home. It was a home that needed a lot of work (looking back yet another thing a new married couple should not do when they are expecting a baby in two months), but we did. It was tiring but we did it. It was at that time, that our marriage started to feel “blah”. Money was an issue always…who spends more, who works more, who should give things up. For the most part I felt, our relationship had become a routine. We woke up, got dressed, we drove to my mom’s to drop Ayden off and then my husband would drop me off at work. At night, he would pick me up from work, we would pick our son up and go home. At home, we would eat, shower, watch tv and go to sleep. On the weekends, it was always an issue to get him to do anything around the house. His duties were to throw the trash away and mow the lawn. He would never do it until he saw me with the garbage or lawn mower in my hand. That was our life for a year and a half.

After that, we sold our house… for many reasons.

A move later, we ended up moving to my mom’s house. The intention was to move in with her and save up money to purchase a home that can accommodate all our needs. Three months after moving into my mom’s, I felt our marriage had reached its end. I debated that decision for another 3 months. It was one of the most difficult decisions to make. Not just because I was leaving my husband of four years but my biggest concern was my son and how he would react
Needless to say, our marriage ended. My husband wanted to try and salvage it but for me, it was a done deal. I guess most people would say my decision was rash and maybe it was….a marriage deserves an opportunity of survival and I didn’t even try.

Life was good….I didn’t miss him…I guess that says a lot. My son had adjusting to do but for the most part he did ok. Things were rough between me and my ex-husband. There still is resentment from his part but I don’t blame him.

As I reflect, we did so many things wrong. We didn’t function as a family…there was no balance. We had this sense of competition as to who would be a better parent. I felt guilty doing house work because my husband would make it seem like I wasnt spending enough time with our son. It was a horrible feeling.

It was always the three of us all the time. We never gave ourselves time to be alone as a couple (our son slept in our bed since he was born) let alone give ourselves the time to be with our friends and take a breather from the family life when stress kicked in. There was no longer a sense of love in the relationship….no hugs or kisses, no more “I love you’s”. 

I guess I was young. Who knows what they want or where they are headed at 20! Four years later, my ideals had changed and my ambition kicked in but for him, things remained the same. You know that saying "we're not on the same page", I felt we weren't even on the same book!