On August 8, 2003, I married my first true boyfriend of a year. We were so excited and so in love. We purchased our first home a month before we married and adopted our beloved dog, Maria (retired greyhound). We looked forward to getting married, moving into our new home and getting our dog. So excited, we ended our honeymoon two days early to come home.
Three months after we married, I got pregnant. I really wanted to have a baby….so the news was beautiful but horrifying. I mean, you think “I want a baby” but then all of a sudden its “I’m having a baby”….that’s a big thing! I think if I look back, our marriage needed time to mature and grow before adding a child into the mix. Children are blessings but it can make a new marriage stressful. Him and I never lived together….everything just happened from one moment to the next.
Our marriage was great…we had our ups and downs, like everyone…we were just a young couple, heading out on our own and wanting to do the best for our child and family. My husband was a genuinely compassionate human being. One of the qualities I love most about him still. His heart is huge and forgiveness exists for anyone who wants it. It was his personality that kept the peace.
Two months before Ayden was born, we sold our townhouse and purchased a home. It was a home that needed a lot of work (looking back yet another thing a new married couple should not do when they are expecting a baby in two months), but we did. It was tiring but we did it. It was at that time, that our marriage started to feel “blah”. Money was an issue always…who spends more, who works more, who should give things up. For the most part I felt, our relationship had become a routine. We woke up, got dressed, we drove to my mom’s to drop Ayden off and then my husband would drop me off at work. At night, he would pick me up from work, we would pick our son up and go home. At home, we would eat, shower, watch tv and go to sleep. On the weekends, it was always an issue to get him to do anything around the house. His duties were to throw the trash away and mow the lawn. He would never do it until he saw me with the garbage or lawn mower in my hand. That was our life for a year and a half.
After that, we sold our house… for many reasons.
A move later, we ended up moving to my mom’s house. The intention was to move in with her and save up money to purchase a home that can accommodate all our needs. Three months after moving into my mom’s, I felt our marriage had reached its end. I debated that decision for another 3 months. It was one of the most difficult decisions to make. Not just because I was leaving my husband of four years but my biggest concern was my son and how he would react
Needless to say, our marriage ended. My husband wanted to try and salvage it but for me, it was a done deal. I guess most people would say my decision was rash and maybe it was….a marriage deserves an opportunity of survival and I didn’t even try.
Life was good….I didn’t miss him…I guess that says a lot. My son had adjusting to do but for the most part he did ok. Things were rough between me and my ex-husband. There still is resentment from his part but I don’t blame him.
As I reflect, we did so many things wrong. We didn’t function as a family…there was no balance. We had this sense of competition as to who would be a better parent. I felt guilty doing house work because my husband would make it seem like I wasnt spending enough time with our son. It was a horrible feeling.
It was always the three of us all the time. We never gave ourselves time to be alone as a couple (our son slept in our bed since he was born) let alone give ourselves the time to be with our friends and take a breather from the family life when stress kicked in. There was no longer a sense of love in the relationship….no hugs or kisses, no more “I love you’s”.
I guess I was young. Who knows what they want or where they are headed at 20! Four years later, my ideals had changed and my ambition kicked in but for him, things remained the same. You know that saying "we're not on the same page", I felt we weren't even on the same book!
